A Late Night Snack

It occurred to me as I lay in bed trying to snuggle, that I have no idea who I am sometimes.

This isn't a little tug in my mind telling me to step back. This is a gnawing burning feeling that starts in my toes and works its way through my body, until it literally consumes me. I can lay in perfect silence and still next to someone else who is not what I want, and has no possible hope of making me happy and say that it's "good" merely because I am not alone with myself. Myself is someone I don't know and I don't take the time to know.

In a world filled with distractions of cellphones, Music, TV, internet, and everything else under the sun leaves me at a stand still. A place where maybe I will never know because I cannot find anywhere that I can truly be alone without the noise crowding in. Trying to separate myself from that noise is nearly impossible. All I ever become is what the noise calls me to be....something/someone I have no desire to be. Except I conform to it because it is what is expected of me.

So maybe while I'm up late sitting alone eating my cookies and milk I can shut the windows and silence the fridge running in the background.

Sincerely,
Lonely Panda

My addictions to fear

“It is not love you are afraid of, you’re afraid of not being loved back.”

What I own is an expansive list. What I truly cannot live without is a much shorter one.

I like many people have sought to fill a hole in my life with physical objects. Do I really need all the seasons of that one TV show I love on DVD? Do I need the TV? or the stuffed animals?

Not only has it come to physical things but I also hoard emotions. I have become so inept at being alone that I fill the empty space with anything and everything. Likewise when someone special does enter my life I become so deeply connected that I cannot separate him or her from myself in any way.

Both of these “addictions” have only ever hurt me. I am so connected and possessive over my things and the people who matter to me that I refuse to let anyone else infringe upon that territory. Because I am so attached I find it hard to be away from the individual who at that time is making me happy. What this really comes down to is that I am merely happy because I am not “alone”. However this is only an external and rather superficial feeling.

Since I am so bold as to attach to an individual quickly they gain easily my trust and love when sometimes it is not warranted. My heart is easily broken because it has never been whole prior to being in someone else’s hands. I am hurt by the negative statements of this person and am willing to change idly for them. This superficial change I enact purely for them is mostly temporary and as soon as they, often violently, eject me from their lives these changes are a thing of the past.

To be open and candid about this is to acknowledge its presence in my life. However it does not for one moment address the issue of fixing it. It has become a habit to protect myself from feeling unloved and alone while at the same time building up my sense of attractiveness and self worth.  I must admit that I have told people I love them before but in light of this revelation… I do not know that it meant much at all. For me it truly comes down to a fear that although I will love someone they will not love me back.

Putting this in light of my relationships with other people as of late, I have made it a personal goal to be open and candid with everyone I meet. To what degree can I do this without risking my “addiction” becoming an issue?